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Post by JoeFreedom on Jan 10, 2021 20:30:01 GMT
Hi everyone,
I am new to these forums but was on Catholic Answers for many years but since they shut down, have no place to discuss issues from a Catholic perspective.
I am wondering if anyone else is parenting to pre-teen children and how they are dealing with screen time and technology? We limit our children to an hour of game time per week and none of them have their own devices. We watch TV together sometimes as a family, but it isn't made a habit. Several years ago we bought them a Chromebook so they could have their own computer because their (Catholic) school is like every other and doing more and more stuff online. That is not a bad thing in and of itself. But our children have had nothing but bad experiences with technology. One of our children many years ago was caught looking at "filth" (I'll leave it at that). They continually sneak around and look at sites they shouldn't be (as we've told them the rules). I'm talking about TikTok, YouTube, and others. While those sites have many good things, most of it is either in the realm of "not appropriate for children", "not appropriate for anyone", or "addictive junk".
We've taken major precautions by requiring them to be at a location in the house where the screen is able to be seen, and taking the computer upstairs to our room at night (because we have found they would get up at all hours of the night and get online to play games, watch anime, and other stuff), but we are not able to monitor every second of their screen time, particularly when they have to do school work. So they will do this stuff right under our noses. So we take away privileges, (computer game time), and have even disallowed them to use the computer for school homework (they have to do it at school or print off their work before they come home). We continuously review their histories. Each time they lose privileges (sometimes a month at a time for the egregious sneaking and lying), they will slowly earn it back and then they immediately go back to doing it again.
This time, they snuck their school computers to grandma's over Christmas break, and were playing games for hours on end. Two of the three of my children were sneaking them up to their rooms last week (their school decided that it would require two weeks of home learning to avoid COVID, which means while I work from home - and my wife does not - I cannot monitor them all day and work at the same time). They were doing all sorts of things during virtual school they shouldn't too.
We try and try to give them opportunities to gain the trust back but they come back harder and fiercer each time to go sneak screen time. There is so much out there that shows how addictive this is, and how detrimental it is to children's brains and development and should be limited to a max of 2 hours per day. But they already get screen time with TV (we might watch an hour or so of TV at night as a family), and at school, and for homework after school. They keep going back.
I've tried trusting them more and giving them more time and trying to keep a closer watch, but they find ways to violate it.
We are left not knowing what to do. We even "wrote" up a contract that says all the things they wouldn't do, and now even school computers are being kept in our room. It makes it worse when they see everyone else, especially their friends using 7 or 8 hours a day. In fact, my daughter had a sleep over last year and her friend brought her iPad with her. The first thing she asked was for our guest wifi password. As a rule, I do not give it out. She came over around 5. By 8pm she couldn't handle not being online and asked to go home.
We feel so stuck as parents because we do truly believe that limiting screen time is important, regardless of whether every other human on earth did it. Any advice from parents who think like this and are in the same situation?
FYI: We both limit our time to our phones so we are not looked as hypocrites.
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Post by MrsAngelala on Jan 13, 2021 17:30:45 GMT
I read your post yesterday and was stunned by how hard you've been working and how the ineffective it's been. While turning it over in my head on the way to Mass this morning I realized - I didn't see any mention about technological interventions. You may find it greatly reduces your stress load too, since once set up these things will automatically do your policing. After a brief search, I found that Chromebooks have a parental-control app called Family Link, which allows you to limit screen time: families.google.com/familylink/ It looks like the computer automatically locks down when time is up. They won't be able to sneak time if the computer won't work. My husband has often installed a program called Covenant Eyes on clients' computers. I believe this program 1. blocks access to (ahem) problematic sites and 2. emails an accountability partner/parent if access to such a site is attempted. You can keep your home Wifi password for yourself and your wife, and change your Guest password daily, requiring the children to use or earn that one. I can imagine it would get difficult to remember the ever-changing passwords, but you can use a password vault like LastPass to keep track of it. LastPass will also make suggestions for secure -- read: un-guessable -- passwords. There is a gaming portal called Steam that I think requires internet access to play games. If I'm right about that, they won't be able to play games without the most current WiFi password. Heavens, I hope you're able to find a workable solution. Our daughter is only one. Her father is into VR (though he rarely plays anymore!), and even though he's aware of the research, he keeps talking about gaming with her. So I've been worrying about screen time since before she was born. Current rule is 0 minutes -- but just the other day our deacon whipped out his phone to show her a video of his granddaughter. Blessedly, she would hardly look, she was too fixated on his face! And at the beginning of COVID, she watched Mass online. It's just such a hard line to draw, and I don't know what to do about it, either. Prayed for you. |
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Post by MrsAngelala on Jan 13, 2021 17:39:09 GMT
Sorry, hubby just came up for a work break and I checked a couple of things. You can play Steam games without internet access, so that's a bummer.
However, he said that many routers have a function where you can go into the router settings and tell it not to allow certain computers to have internet access at certain times of the day. You'll probably have to hire your neighborhood tech guy to deal with that one, but if Family Link proves too weak, or if you have kids over 13 that the app will no longer cover, that's a hard-core way to control access. Not all routers do it though, so again, talk to your tech guy.
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Post by JoeFreedom on Jan 17, 2021 19:33:52 GMT
Hi Mrs. Angelala,
Thanks for responding.
Yes! The first thing we did was download and purchase Covenant Eyes, but then immediately after downloading, we realized the developers have not programmed it for Chromebooks, which is what they had at the time. They now have a new Kindle, but so far, they haven't used it.
We are lucky that their school computers which they had to bring home for 2 weeks of elearning have restrictions and IT-protocols that do not allow them to delete browser history. Ugh, after the first week, because I was working at home and they were "at school" at home, I found that half of the day they were just playing games, watching TikTok and YouTube videos. We had a long long talk about this. We even wrote up a "contract" of all the things they were not going to do and going to do, and talked about the pitfalls of too much screen time, which are many! After the second week, we looked at their histories and they did great!
I absolutely will be checking out Family Link. So thank you for the suggestion.
Also, thanks for the wifi suggestion. Since I cannot trust my kids, I do not even give them that! Ugh. So they have their own passwords to their login account on the Chromebook. I just keep it up in my room now at night.
I was also look into my router. I do know the app for my router on my phone does allow you to download a Disney-based screen-limiting parental control program but I do not like the invasion it requires into our own lives...
I think we are going to just keep trying and trying and keep giving chances to earn the right to screen time, and continue to constantly monitor it. I know Dr. Ray says that parents who consistently discipline will discipline less (over time) -- or something to that effect.
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Post by jeannetherese on Jan 18, 2021 6:12:43 GMT
Why not just pull the battery and cord during non-school hours?
Another suggestion is to keep them busy with healthy alternatives: books, art, board games, family walks, helping with the cooking and cleaingn up around the house. Basketball in the drivewa, jump ropes, card games, music lessons.
In addition, you could consider requireing them to do something positive online (one hour foreign language training per kid buys the family moview with popcorn on Friday).
Good luck!
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Post by pianistclare on Jan 19, 2021 21:04:09 GMT
Yes I concur with Jeanne Therese. I teach piano to a family with four young children (eldest in Middle School) and they are very successful in limiting their computer/device/video game time. All I know is, it's not up for discussion or negotiation. Period. I feel like perhaps your children will sneak around to get time on the computer and resent your rules more and more. These are challenging times for sure. Many parents have given in, and have surrendered quality time with family for unlimited internet. It doesn't sound like you are in that category, but I will indeed pray that a tolerable middle ground will be established in your home and respected by your children.
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9001
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by 9001 on Feb 4, 2021 12:24:57 GMT
I am not giving my kids a phone or internet access until they’re 16
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Post by pianistclare on Feb 4, 2021 15:54:32 GMT
Teachers are expecting internet access for students as young as Kindergarten. Better, teach your children to be very cautious and aware of what things they can do safely and to never trust a stranger online nor in person. Forbidding something simple means they will crave it even more. Even Home Schoolers use the internet for Zoom gatherings, and research.
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Post by AgnusDei on Mar 19, 2021 10:53:08 GMT
Yes, the inappropriate stuff is everywhere. During a religious search, I was directed to a porn page in a link list. I thought, “How in Hades did this even come up in my search?” I found out. At the bottom of the page was a text block. IN that block were the words “Jesus”, and “Christ.” (Along with lots of profane stuff)
Tells me the page creator did it on purpose to “snare” unsuspecting people.
Not “good enough” to serve it to those wanting, just force it on everyone.
Dominus vobiscum
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Post by katy777 on Mar 19, 2021 12:04:39 GMT
Children need in person social skills before they get tech.
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joeg
Full Member
Posts: 135
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Post by joeg on Mar 23, 2021 0:18:57 GMT
A third party DNS service is something to consider. "DNS" is domain naming service. When humans type a site name such as google.com, the name needs to be converted to numbers, an IP address. So there are computers/servers on the Internet that handle the name to number conversion, DNS servers. Your internet service provider has DNS servers; however, there are third party DNS servers. One of the features of some third party DNS servers is that they will do some basic filtering of commonly accessed porn and other objectionable sites. Their servers won't convert "playboy.com" to the numeric IP address so you can't get to the site--unless you know their numeric address : ( Sadly porn/gambling, etc addicts will find a way. I think you'll need to tweak the settings of you router in order to use third party DNS; however, it is possible to make changes on some individual computers. Some years ago I used the free version of OpenDNS; however more recently they were purchased by Cisco : ( Their site says almost nothing about content filtering at this time. I see there are alternatives to OpenDNS but I've not used any of them. alternativeto.net/software/opendns/ |
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Post by katy777 on Mar 23, 2021 12:46:42 GMT
My youngest daughter was taught in upper elementary school--7 grade how to code
Now they keep adding to this. She can bypass any blocked sites if she wanted to.
My middle child built his own computer.
So our desk top is visible. School laptops are used in family room. Teens are light-years ahead of us in this regard.
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