Post by blueroses on Aug 22, 2021 13:41:47 GMT
I've made a lifetime study of forgiveness. Trying to keep a long story short, I was raised in an alcoholic family. I spent years turning the other cheek and trying to figure out why I alone in the family could never get anything right.
I finally understood the dynamics of a narcissistic probably mentally ill mother and alcoholic father, that I was the scapegoat, and my father approved of my siblings' behavior and thus, it would continue. This included screaming at me in front of my children, slapping my children in front of me, and taking my kids out without my knowledge. And much more.
I simply stopped calling. No drama. They never called me either. No contact except my father telling me what a terrible daughter/sister/mother I am, sometimes in vulgar language. (Believe it or not we're all college-educated professionals.) I wished them no ill. But I finally understood that they didn't get that I was choosing forgiveness--they saw me as a doormat.
For 11 years, my family has made no attempt at reconciliation nor offered any help while I've gone through a number of challenges. I've been fine with that because I didn't miss how they treated me at all.
The issue now is that my life has changed dramatically. I re-married someone who is very well-off. We've just bought an amazing property...and suddenly, my sister is telling my kids it's a shame we haven't been talking and she'd really like it if we got in touch.
I believe in forgiveness. I believe in setting a good example for my children....heck, I just believe in doing the right thing period. I still wish my family no ill.
But I question her sincerity. This is a woman who even when we were on good terms, made sure into our 40s that I KNEW I was just the little sister and not welcome among her friends (we're only 20 months apart). She has treated me occasionally as a confidante when she's upset about our mother--but never as a friend. I'm absolutely disgusted with some of her behavior over the last 11 years, including using the occasion of my son's wedding to try to pull my (then) fiance into the family issues and turn him against me, including plenty of events of making it obvious she's giving me the cold shoulder. But now that I have a beautiful property--she suddenly wants to be friends?
What is forgiveness in this situation? Is it simply continuing to wish her well? Is it giving her a chance to show that in her mid-50s, she's suddenly changed? Is it allowing her to visit my home and trying not to grind my teeth? Trying to be the bigger person and if she behaves, smile and be polite and let her come for family holidays?
Thank you for any feedback.
I finally understood the dynamics of a narcissistic probably mentally ill mother and alcoholic father, that I was the scapegoat, and my father approved of my siblings' behavior and thus, it would continue. This included screaming at me in front of my children, slapping my children in front of me, and taking my kids out without my knowledge. And much more.
I simply stopped calling. No drama. They never called me either. No contact except my father telling me what a terrible daughter/sister/mother I am, sometimes in vulgar language. (Believe it or not we're all college-educated professionals.) I wished them no ill. But I finally understood that they didn't get that I was choosing forgiveness--they saw me as a doormat.
For 11 years, my family has made no attempt at reconciliation nor offered any help while I've gone through a number of challenges. I've been fine with that because I didn't miss how they treated me at all.
The issue now is that my life has changed dramatically. I re-married someone who is very well-off. We've just bought an amazing property...and suddenly, my sister is telling my kids it's a shame we haven't been talking and she'd really like it if we got in touch.
I believe in forgiveness. I believe in setting a good example for my children....heck, I just believe in doing the right thing period. I still wish my family no ill.
But I question her sincerity. This is a woman who even when we were on good terms, made sure into our 40s that I KNEW I was just the little sister and not welcome among her friends (we're only 20 months apart). She has treated me occasionally as a confidante when she's upset about our mother--but never as a friend. I'm absolutely disgusted with some of her behavior over the last 11 years, including using the occasion of my son's wedding to try to pull my (then) fiance into the family issues and turn him against me, including plenty of events of making it obvious she's giving me the cold shoulder. But now that I have a beautiful property--she suddenly wants to be friends?
What is forgiveness in this situation? Is it simply continuing to wish her well? Is it giving her a chance to show that in her mid-50s, she's suddenly changed? Is it allowing her to visit my home and trying not to grind my teeth? Trying to be the bigger person and if she behaves, smile and be polite and let her come for family holidays?
Thank you for any feedback.